Āyurveda and relationships
Life is relationship
Life is a tapestry of interwoven relationship. We are intimately related to the earth, the moon, the sun, the air we breathe, the water we drink and the food we eat. Our very existence depends on the nutrients that enter our bodies from sources outside and in turn we influence that environment in performing all the activities that make up our lives.
Your social relationships with your spouse, family, friends and colleagues are as closely connected to your life as inner relationships with thoughts, ideas, feelings and goals. None of us ever escape the web of human relationships.
Relationship means communication. If we observe our day to day life, there is plenty of evaluation, criticism, condemnation and rejection and there are but a few moments of clarity in communication.
Communication is possible when two people are at the same level of consciousness at the same time. If they are not, they can’t communicate, share or understand each other. Understanding needs sharing, sharing needs communication and communication needs clarity of consciousness.
When there is confusion within relationship, there is a reaction of separation and isolation happens as a reaction of resistance towards the reality. An isolated life is not a healthy life and most individuals can’t live in isolation for a long time. When a person stops relating to their surroundings, the result is closure of the heart, which results in affliction of the mind eventually contributing to physical conditions. When a baseline of health is lost, a human’s four main aims in life; Living life aligned with one’s purpose and the cosmic order (dharma), prosperity (ārtha), sensory gratification (kāma) and spiritual evolution (moksha), can’t be fulfilled.
Observing global and societal developments, it seems evident that the wisdom needed to have harmonious exchanges is slipping away from us. Families are sitting in physical proximity while looking at the screens of their devices. High rates of divorce suggests that people enter partnership without accurately understanding their relationship potential and without having adequate communication skills. If we are lucky enough to escape the trauma of natural disaster or war, we struggle to have the right relationship with the mineral, animal and plant kingdom, the soil and the atmosphere, planets, God and our identity. Arguably, we face the most volatile political tension since decades and even within societies people are polarizing dangerously, without much genuine attempt to understand one another’s viewpoint. Ayurveda is the science of life that has, when applied and contemplated on, the potential to restore an individuals relationship with the environment and in the end, a society is made up by its individuals.
How can we bring clarity in our relationships?
Relationship is a profound dynamic energy between the polarities of life. One way to gain clarity about this duality is when the mind gets more and more familiar with choiceless passive awareness - a state of pure being. When the mind has great clarity, that state of presence has reached significant occupancy of it. Or in other words, whenever confusion and other fluctuations have temporarily disappeared from the mind, pure being is what is left in the mind. Within relationship, we might say it is the art of approaching each interaction anew, honestly, without carrying the burden of the past psychological memory into the present moment.
Though you say ‘I love my girlfriend’, ‘I love my children’, do you really? Are you completely honest with them? If you say I love you, but inside you have unresolved anger or unresolved fear, is that love? Honesty is necessary in relationship, but many times we think one thing and we say another, because of underlying fear of hurting the other person or the fear of getting what we don’t want. But if you hide your inner feelings, they will be bound to come around, despite your self deception.
Behind fear, behind anger, there is a place of clarity, a serenity that knows no opposite. When emotions start to be understood because of clarity, thoughts and speech become more true and come from a place of love. A place where we recognize our need and the needs of others. This isn’t a process, an outcome of time. No, this awareness happens now. For growth, biologically, linguistically, technologically, time is necessary, but for disolution of psychological patterns, time isn’t. It can only happen in the present moment; the moment when thoughts and feelings arise. An analysis of the past or intending to live up to a utopian vision of the future are useful in their own right, but not sufficient, because it moves one away from the present reality with imagination or memory, while the majority of behavioral patterns are staying put.
Despite being pulled by the momentum of unconscious patterns, we employ our effort to come back to the present moment each time again and again to become totally aware of thoughts and feelings, without criticizing them, judging them. In that way they can transform into insight and deep understanding, which are reliable informants to making good choices and apply right action. When you become aware of let’s say, your judgement on others or on yourself, inquiring into the judgement fully, you understand the need behind it and thus become better at expressing your feelings or unmet needs. Pure witnessing of thoughts and feelings, which is necessary to truly understand your thoughts and feelings, is choiceless passive awareness, as my Ayurveda teacher, Dr. Vasant Lad would call it.
No outside problem can be overcome permanently. Anything that is overcome has to be conquered again and again, but it can be understood, which is totally different. To internally resist, to battle or to build defense is only to create further psychological conflict, whereas if we understand it, go into it fully step by step, explore the whole content, the conflict will never return in any form. It is not an easy route and most people only come to it when they realize they have suffered enough. Practicing choicless passive awareness does not lead to outward passiveness, but it goes hand in hand with an inner peace, an acceptance for what is. Such silent mind lifts the veil from itself.
The moment you are completely open to the fact of loneliness for example, being face to face with it, be in communion with it, look at it without previous knowledge (the verbalization, symbolization or imagination of it) then there is no fear, no apprehension of the fact of loneliness. There is freedom of fear only when the mind is capable of looking without naming, without labeling. That is quite difficult, because the anxieties we have are rapidly identified by the mind and given a word. If you can look at a feeling without labeling it, you will see that it withers away. To look at something so fully like it is the first time you see it, requires an extraordinary mature attention and a childlike interest. Such a flame of awareness will burn away your apprehension and reveals pure knowledge. To understand the workings of the mind through self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom and the ending of fear.
‘’Love can exist when there is silence of mind. Silence of mind can only be if there is total understanding of the movement of thought and feeling. Thought and feeling can only be known when there is no condemnation of thought and feeling.’’ - J. Krishnamurti.
In a culture that uses invoking guilt as a means of manipulation and coercion, it is easy to pick up a behavioral pattern where we try to motivate the other person into a certain action by mixing up the stimulus and the cause of our dissatisfaction. For example children are coerced into the belief that their behavior is the cause of their parents’ pain by hearing: ‘’It hurts mum and dad when you get bad grades’’, while the cause of the parents dissatisfaction lies in the interpretation of the situation and not the fact of the situation itself. If you want to have deep connection in your life, be completely honest in your friendship, because friendship implies honesty, clarity and purity in communication.
Friendship
There are relationships that we call friendships that are more focused on utility, on pleasure, on mutual benefit, but what is that definition of friendship that implies honesty, clarity and purity? In Lysis, Plato, suggests that besides mutual benefit and shared values, the most satisfying friendship are built upon a deeper connection, a shared appreciation of virtue and truth. People characterized by honesty are recognizable, in that they generally say what they think and do what they say, with consistency. Yes, they are a rare sighting. And yes, people or establishments resistant to change are likely to keep them at bay, due to their innate ability to bring about reformation.
Where has the true friendship gone? And why have they made place for the therapists, the analysts, thousands of self improvement and relationship books that give but a mere shadow of true friendship? Might it be that we are chronically afraid of becoming hurt and have lost our adventurous spirit to find the treasure life? Do we have too many demands on how we want to be treated and are we taking too little responsibility in having our needs met? It seems that in our quest for security we have lost our vital strength to take up life’s adventure, became more dependent on technology and more concerned with our individual desires and illusions. In order to have friendship, in order to truly care for the needs of others in the right proportion and to give good council, a great vitality in mind, body and consciousness, is necessary.
People that have patterned their subconscious with honesty, have a great deal of love and compassion in their hearts and their words often come true. Association with such a person might be transformational, which can be felt as difficult, but they are motivated by kindness and their presence is beneficial to the other. Sushruta in Sutrasthana 15.41 of Sushruta Samhita, one of the three great texts of Ayurveda, also speaks to the fact how true friendship is a cause for deep fulfillment. ‘’Hita mitram sukham jivanam, hitakarini priyam vaca.’’: A true friend who speaks kind and beneficial words is a source of joy and a good life.
How can we establish such true friednship? By observing satyam: tell the truth and be truthful. The latter includes being honest with yourself. Do I actually want this or do I not want this? Is this good for me, is this the path I should follow? If it is not appropriate for me I should create a boundary. By practicing truthfulness yourself, that person to explore deeper connection with will appear on your radar. Like attracts like.
Do you find yourself in a maze of unconducive patterns that go against truthfulness and find it difficult to apply such form of self discipline? Still, set out to associate yourself with the most honest person you can select at least to some degree. Opposites balance. Some of qualities of the people you associate yourself with will be rubbed off onto you. This is the start of satsang.
Satsanga
Ayurveda also speaks to the importance of the assembly of a community that is in pursuit of truth, which is called satsanga and how it protects mental health. The word sat means ‘’that which exists’’ and the word sanga means ‘’to associate, to abide together’’. In practice, a satsanga is therefore a gathering for the purpose of studying and appreciating that which is real. The mechanism by which it works is beautifully stated is this composition by Adi Shankaracharya in Bhaja Govinda from the 8th century.
Satsangatve nissangatvam
Nissangatve nirmohatvam
Nirmohatve niścalatattvam
Niścalatattve jīvanmuktih
Through satsang one becomes detached from associating with anyone other than the wise. Through this detachment one becomes free from delusion. Freedom of delusion frees one from unsteadiness. With a steady mind one achieves liberation while still alive.
Let’s explore this synthesis by breaking it down.
Through association with the wise or truth seeking individuals, the desire for other associations with that which is not wise or untrue, slowly goes away. No longer deceived by the deluge of indiscriminate data bereft of real knowledge, the mind becomes still, contented, calm, sensitive, sharp as a knife, able to apply useful epistemology and have clarity of perception.
When the mind is still, it generates less desire and the need for consumerism, to extract satisfaction from each situation and each person, settles.
If we have no satsanga in our lives, just ordinary sanga, it gives rise to kāma; pleasure and desire to repeat it. Every one has needs, but these needs become greed. Unlimited greed leads to scarcity, because of unfulfilled desire, which is a conflict. Conflict on a large scale is called war. Unfulfilled desire is causing krodha; anger. Krodha becomes moha; delusion, because anger causes smrti bhramsha; memory loss (a black out of previous lessons learned) and thus interpreting things other than they are. That’s when one forgets what is good for them. Such hampered intellect that is the result of this vicious circle, not knowing what is right or wrong, destroys the individual.
Satsanga promotes healthy communities. Humans crave community and being part of it is a healthy way of life. Satsanga becomes more necessary than ever as the traditional social structures of how human beings have interacted for the majority of our history, fade.
A society’s relationship to the cosmos
Besides coming together with integrity, a society ought to carry out different public ceremonies throughout the year. When communities as a whole cease to perform different ceremonies and observances, we become separated from the bigger context in which we are living. The instinct of plants and animals keeps them in sync with the cosmic cycles, but we humans, having evolved into more conscious sentiency must recreate these rhythms in our daily lives if we want to move with them instead of against them. The reason of performing public ceremonies by means of festivals or fasts etc. is to come together in orienting ourselves to what is beyond us; attuning our society to the cosmic cycles. This is not just a beautiful or festive thing to do, it’s an essential thing to do. According to Ayurveda, the energy that flows out of us affects the environment in ways we cannot even fathom let alone prove in graphs or double blind studies. The integrity of our minds can be easily corrupted with psychological and environmental disorders as a consequence of a disturbance in this relationship.
If the main collective activity is that people withdraw into their homes and watch Netflix until sleep takes them, its regulatory impact on the cycles that we’re depending on, the crops, the biodiversity, the peace in our society, is surely of a low quality. The impressions we imbue ourselves with, we exude in society and the environment. Ayurveda devotes several chapters on the nuanced interconnectedness of our collective morality and the larger environment, especially in regard to natural disaster and pandemics.
"Dharmo raksati raksitah, dharmo hanti hantah". This verse from the Mahabharata says that by acting ethically, by doing right, one is safeguarded by it, while righteousness itself destroys those who destroyed it. It’s moral and ethical duties that sustain the individual and societal harmony. Spoiler alert. Pop-cultural values, ideologies or politics usually do not make the cut to the plethora of morals and ethical codes of the old world as they are more timeless. Deep inquiry is necessary for each individual to discover which form their dharma best takes. Prosperity, love and God are all rooted in your dharma. Find your path and you find them all. Never compare your path with anyone else’s as each person and each person’s path through life is unique.
We exude what we take in
It is our own responsibility to pattern our life the way we like to experience it. Sure, some divine grace is bestowed on us at times and a saving person lifts us up. But, we should for our own benefit, stop blaming our parents, the government, the society and become more pragmatic about life. Start with loving yourself, which is to take care of yourself. This will inevitably express outwards in caring for and be cared for by others, to love others and be loved by others. Because how we relate to ourselves, will determine how we will relate to everyone else.
Ayurveda isn’t particularly proliferate in literally describing how we should approach interpersonal relationships, but within the many regimen that are essential for the individual in maintaining health and longevity, orientation towards relationships is revealed. We are talking here about things like daily routine, proper diet, nourishing body and mind, having proper exercise, proper rest and ethical conduct. This ethical conduct is akin to the yamas and niyamas described in Patanjali’s Yoga philosophy and taken over entirely by Ayurveda for the benefit of life and longevity, ensuring positive sensory experiences and avoiding negative ones. These constitute observing non-violence, non-covetousness, truthfulness, channeling sexual energy mindfully, within society and observing cleanliness, contentment, austerity, self inquiry (or read spiritual and philosophical texts) and faith in a greater intelligence, domestically.
A practice in which one freely acquires clarity of consciousness is getting up before sunrise, typically between 4 and 6. Rising in the time of Brahmamuhurta or ‘the time of pure consciousness’, gives an extraordinary clarity of perception. At this time, the atmosphere is filled with qualities of peace, stillness, quiet. Becoming patterned by these type of vibrations, we will exude them in our relationships. Clinically, rising before sunset prevents the undue expression of kapha dosha and promotes the proper channeling of vāta dosha. The wonderful mental clarity it gives, provided you get enough sleep, affects how you relate to the people around you later in the day.
If you live in a city, visiting natural environments on a frequent basis is incredibly useful too. To come back into balance is to restore the relationship with nature.
Since the agricultural revolution, urban centers have emerged by people working together in a highly controlled way to secure longevity and the ethical fulfillment of their desire resulting in what we call civilization. But as cities grew, the problem of stagnation arose. There is an overload of waste, radiation and pollution, which are difficult to remove.
A hundred years ago, you could easily travel to the outskirts of a city and be in the country side. These days, with ‘smart cities’ on the rise, you’re practically living surrounded by concrete with access to a small green common or park, with ecological rhythms so faint they only give you a vague memory of nature. A low entry level way to reconnect with the larger cycles of nature before thinking about rituals, ceremonies, religion or astrology, is to spend more time in them. Walk in the forest with your family and friends, hike through the mountains, look over the ocean, the river, the lake.
There is a lot of clumping and little space between individuals in the city. Competition and ambition are trumpeting over mutual support. There is so much stimuli, but a lack of faith, of trust, which makes people highly disagreeable, neurotic, isolated and lonely. Shopping streets are crowded, but there is little eye contact. There is no sharing of deep emotions and a preoccupancy with input through tech. Society is taking a lonely direction. Much of the communication happens on devices, in a two dimensional virtual world that resembles the real world. It is delusional to think it can nourish all aspects of our being. We are much quicker to share and in larger quantities than ever, connecting with experiences from other people further away than ever, but very few of the shared experiences find a concrete manifestation in the world of the consumer. That is to say they are not converted into an actual experience and stay in the realm of the mind. The lack thereof, together with an overload of content results in our appetite becoming insatiable.
Even after the extend to which we have deliberately violated the dictates of our innate intelligence comes to our attention, it is important that we don’t waste time wallowing in guilt. Self-chastisement often proceeds from self hate, which is a concept that is not promoted by Ayurveda. After you confessed your crimes against wisdom to yourself, a good place to start is with practices that return your attention to well being.
Romantic relationships
Two people fall into a relationship. They like each other. There is sensation, temptation, attraction. They fall in love, but they do not know why they are in relationship together. This ignorance is bound to breed problems. Some people don’t even know that they don’t know why they are in a relationship. They do not use the relationship as a mirror to come to know deeper aspects of themselves. There is no higher purpose. That relationship will eventually burst. A couple might say to one another that they love and accept the other person as a whole in the swell of romance, but the reality is often they love only fragments of the person, which is partial loving.
Some fragments are experienced as good, some as bad and they might interchange as time goes on. As such, there are many expectations imposed on one another and there are many unresolved emotions, and these create more and more stress. Then the relationship becomes fragile and breaks. The couple thinks they need to be separated from each other. With a staggering 51% divorce rate, the prospect of separation seems more liberating to many couples, than the difficulty of living together. While sometimes divorce is necessary, this fact as a whole is an unhealthy development.
It reminds me of a poem of Khalil Gibran, that speaks to the path of love being hard and steep.
‘’But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.’’
When we are unwilling to feel the pain as a result of our partial love, we shall never know the secrets of our own heart completely.
How do we get to the goodness in relationship that has no opposite, that seems to be hidden in the abyss of the heart? How do we get to the nectar of life or isn’t there such a thing to begin with?
It is only possible when we start forgiving. We are all human beings that make mistakes and we ought to learn from them. In relationship we must give space to one another to grow and we give space when we don’t have expectations from another.
From Charaka Samhita, Sutrasthana 7.26:
"Kshama dharma sukhodarka, rakshati manah sthitam."
Forgiveness and patience lead to lasting peace and protect the stability of the mind.
It is arduous to develop a truly harmonious covenanted relationship. Making a marriage work is tough and it is truly rare to get to know the other as well as we get to know our blood relatives. Marriage partnerships usually begin in adulthood, when we are forced to learn how to bend our already evolved behavioral patterns of relating to someone else’s formed ones.
Sexual relationship
The experience of sexual union is a profoundly motivating force for a human being, because in this union, all five sense organs are connected with a supreme expression of their objects.
According to Ayurveda, sexual union should be enjoyed for the benefit of gaining strength, vitality, pleasure and progeny, but not overly, not too little, in the right way and in accordance with the individual’s state of health, strength and capacity, time and place.
The texts of Ayurveda explicitly say that the perfect expression of sensory pleasure is the body of a woman; implying whatever sex the body of the romantic partner is. Sexual union is the supreme satisfaction of all five senses and there isn’t anything else in the world that gratifies the senses more completely. To compensate for a less than satisfactory experience of this type of relationship during adult life, often causes a person to pursue other sensory indulgence in excess.
Temporarily, at the time of this union, all of the senses having met the excellence of their object, desire ceases, the senses rest in their source and one forgets about themselves. Maybe that’s why the French call it ‘La petite mort’, as at the time of orgasm the individual consciousness ceases, which is compared to a brief experience of death.
Sex is a profound energy. If its value is not understood, life is incomplete. Sex and spirituality are closely connected. Sex is the highest form of the lowest energy and samādhi, a superconscious state of the mind of perfect being, intelligence and joy, is the highest form of the highest energy. If your sex center is blocked, perverted or under stress, there is no way to attain an elevated state of consciousness. A great sexual potency is necessary to experience moments of bliss or salvation. To some initiates that come across genuine spiritual teachings of all backgrounds, ways are taught to refine the reproductive tissue to the degree it can travel up and support a greater brain plasticity. The fluid becomes so refined that it goes form being a chemical composition to a radiant electro magnetic energy. You can think of depictions of the halo in medieval religious art, indicating the luminosity of a saint.
The sex organs are connected to the root chakra. Many classic psychological problems stem from imbalances of sexual energy and most problems in romantic relationships are connected to the reproductive system and root chakra. Money and security are the number one reason couples break up. When energy is stuck on material matters, we become overly lustful. A person might masturbate and deplete his or her vitality and immunity. When people regularly masturbate they become less romantic and less attractive for the opposite sex. Another scenario is that because one stresses over livelihood security, less sex hormones are produced, because safety gets precedence over reproduction in the endocrine system. Data points of the GSS illustrate that within the population of the US there is a steady decline of frequency of sexual intercourse and a steady incline of the amount of people that regularly consume pornography (91% for males and 60% for females in a study done in 2018) and so here again it shows we seem to think we can get our satisfaction from the virtual world, which is nothing but a delusion. Especially taking into account declining fertility rates, sperm count, soaring erectile dysfunction and pathologies resulting from hormonal imbalances contributing to unsatisfactory romantic relationships.
The sexual fluids need 35 days to replenish, so it is important not to overdo sex. The classical texts say that once per month is the limit for a vāta person, twice a month good for a pitta person, while a kapha can enjoy it more frequently. The mood during sexual intercourse matters greatly in the context of these recommendations. When two people truly love each other and they make love with awareness, Ojas; superfine essence of kapha dosha, isn’t lost as much as when intercourse is only done for the sake of pleasure. Great sex satisfies the couple for a longer duration; helping to nurture deeper connection, emotional release, sensory pleasure of all the five senses in addition to the possibility of creating children. There are also regulations according to daily routine and seasonal routine. Intercourse after food as well as during the day is forbidden, but at night between 10 and 11pm is the best time. During the hotter months of the year, intercourse should be reduced to the bare minimum, while in winter we can indulge more freely. ‘‘Śītakāle balīyān hi maithunam bahuśah ksamah’’ Ca.Ch.2. "In winter, a person of strong constitution can engage in sexual activity more frequently, as the body is at its strongest during this season." During winter, the increase of the compactness of tissue, together with the moisture in the atmosphere supports the juices of body and one can indulge more frequent provided there is a baseline of health.
In terms of progeny, Ayurveda gives astonishing details on how the child’s mental capacity, sexual preference or tendencies, character and physical health are influenced by the way the couple engages in sexual intercourse at the time of conception. The chosen moment in time, the mood of the couple, the position, the way of breathing, physical health; especially that of the reproductive tissue, love and attention are crucial in determining the satisfaction of future family life. Having taken note of this, in addition to Ayurveda’s rich preconception, prenatal and postpartum regimen, one cannot help but see a bright potential on the horizon when more people are awakening to a deeper interest in the science of life.
Couples and Doshas
Within a couple, genetic make up plays an important role too. Ayurveda name for genetic blueprint or constitution is Prakruti.
When the two people that are in a relationship are both of hot tempered pitta constitution there is bound to be a degree of criticism, competition, jealousy that perhaps exceeds the average. It is ideal for a pitta person to have a relationship with a person who is either kapha or vāta predominant. If two people that are kapha are in a relationship, they will both gain weight rapidly, because of their mutual love for eating and lack of exercise. They will become indolent, the dishes amass and clothes are left unfolded. If two vātas live together, the couple may forget to eat at regular times, become overly worried and insecure, are not able retain money, buy a van impulsively and start traveling the world together. For a long term relationship it is important that you and your partner compliment each other at large. If the habits of your special person are just like your own, life is easy in the beginning, because of a preference for the same lifestyle, but your similar tendencies can spiral out of control, without proper awareness.
Understanding your spouse’s predominant dosha in their prakruti can bring harmony and joy into your life. A vāta person must be handled like a delicate flower, given more care, affection and reassurance than the other doshas, and has to eat vāta pacifying food and do oil massages regularly. When you know that your partners pitta is aggravated, because he comes home somewhat angry and judgmental (There happened to be a decent amount of red chilli in his lunch that he consumed in the midday sun, whilst having a heated discussion with his colleague), you are now able to infer the cause(s) from the effect, so you are inwardly able to separate your husband from his dosha, which brings new insight and perspective. Not only that, now you know that pitta is angry and not your husband, you are able to forgive his anger with less difficulty, which happens to pacify his pitta dosha. The same goes for children. You can help your child deal with the pitfalls of their constitution by learning about it.
Don’t worry if this ideal doshic compatibility does not match your current long term relationship constellation. Involvement is an interplay of the unseen, of free will, of pre-existing or current entanglement. A more alchemical approach to relationship might be necessary as well as learning to negotiate. An alchemical approach acknowledges the preconditions and tendencies that exist and takes them to be the materials to be transmuted into gold. An alchemical approach is to beget the eyes to see how our tendencies are making us cope with the situation in a particular way and what we can do to transform ourselves. This is always a good approach, as in relationship there will always be difficulties or incompatibilities. It is good to aim for a larger overview of the relationship and go beyond relationship so you don’t become too attached to the other, because love is not attachment. Attachment breeds fear leading to anger leading to all types of violence. Not everything is malleable and we are not all knowing, so we have to request the supreme reality to illuminate our minds so we can learn about the principles that govern life so we may learn to relate in harmony.
Life is relationship and how well we relate to the people we encounter in life, determines for a great deal how happy or how miserable we are. While acting before having clarity of consciousness is likely to reinforce unsatisfactory patterns of relationship behavior, to look at our interaction dispassionately is to gain new perspective.
